I’ve tried everything I can think of. I give up. Maybe that’s what you want, God? I know what I want. But what I want more than anything is for Your will to be done. More than anything I could ever want on this earth, I want to serve you. If you want this all to continue for every day of my life, I am okay with that. Life serving you isn’t supposed to be comfortable. The devil only attacks people who are dangerous for the kingdom of God. I can handle anything with You, except for feeling far from you. Please take away whatever is preventing me from feeling close to you. I need your strength, especially now. My whole life completely changed in the last two weeks and I don’t have the strength for that on my own. Please be my Jehovah-Jireh. My El Shalom. Please calm my restless soul. If it is at all possible, take this cup from me. Not mine but your will be done.

Many pictures, games and shared giggles later, the time to say adios had come. As Tiffany from Nicaragua and Tiffany from America stood there side by side, there was an unspoken decision made to wait until the last minute to say goodbye. Before that time came, I looked down at her standing with my arm draped around her shoulder, and simply said in my minimal spanish vocabulary, “Tu eres muy bonita.” She looked at me shyly and just as simply whispered “Tu tambien.” It was one of the first things we understand all day and I’m fairly sure it was the most important. I left that day feeling like I had found a decade younger, Nicaraguan version of myself. A version that left me feeling a little more complete in my journey to self-acceptance in Christ.

**Now I have the pleasure of sponsoring Tiffany and I am so excited to have that relationship with her that can continue grow. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I will be back to see her.

Looking at pictures with Tiffany and Ashley

One of us missed the memo, haha

It is now five days since getting back from Nicaragua and once again tears of remembrance are streaming down my face. I miss the people on my team, I miss the missionaries/friends we worked alongside, I miss the church we worked with, I miss the people we met, and I miss beautiful Managua, Nicaragua. It will always be amazing to me how the second poorest country in the western hemisphere has the most giving, serving people I have ever met.

Here is how the week progressed…

The night after we arrived to Nicaragua, we did one day of clinic at the Christian Academy of Los Torres. That was our first taste of the love the Nicaraguan children so desperately needed and were so willing to give. The next day was one of group bonding and setting up clinic for the next week. Monday rolled around quickly as we nervously and excitedly boarded a bus for a week of the unknown at Iglesia de Nuevo Jerusalem. The next 5 days were ones in which we were served where we came to serve, loved before we even had a chance to give love and were welcomed as part of the Nicaraguan family but more importantly, the church family. 17 Gringos and a countless number of Nicas laughed, cried, loved, served and grew together in a week that was nothing less than unbelievable.

People keep asking me what the highlight of my trip was. As I silently sit there desperately seeking the answer that they are looking for, at least 50 memories come rushing at me. As I try to think of one “highlight” that could possibly be taken out and put above the rest, I come to only one conclusion: it’s not at all possible. The whole week is one that will forever be highlighted in my memory.

The biggest blessing I received while in Nicaragua was the ability to work with the kids. I felt an unfathomable bond to them and I am already struggling just to hold on the feeling of them in my arms as we said goodbye. I have always loved kids but have never felt the way about them that I did about these precious Nicaraguan children. With nothing, they came to us, except for a smile that reaches their eyes, arms ready for a long embrace and boundless love to give. Our team learned the valuable lesson that the language barrier can’t keep us from expressing what’s really important. Like my teammate Britt said, “I soon started to realize that actions really do speak louder than words, and although I do not know much about their likes and dislikes, I can feel their heart and I hope they can feel mine beating through our sweaty, clutched hands.”

One more thing I want to share before I let you go. Pastor Uriel prayed a prayer on the first day of clinic in which he said that our God is not an unfair God and that He sends those who can help, to His people who cannot help themselves. It finally hit me when rereading what he had said; we have people who have and people who don’t have… but if the people who have would obey God and take care of those who don’t, NO ONE would be in need! And people try to ask us how we serve such an unfair God… man, if we only REALLY got it. (Thanks, Britt, for blogging about that!)

I started off my Nicaraguan trip telling Lindsay that I didn’t feel like God had given me a heart for spanish-speaking countries and how I would like to go to Vietnam or Africa next year. Two days into the trip, God had completely changed my heart. He gave me a love for these people like I never could have imagined. Just thinking about the Nicaraguan people as a whole, puts a smile on my face. They make everything about the city of Managua seem beautiful. I have a desire for nothing more than to serve them with everything that I have in me.

The beautiful children come to you with a smile that reaches their eyes and arms ready for a long embrace. They are so desperate for love and so eager to return it 10-fold. Karla and Gabriel especially touched my heart. They have the biggest smiles and hearts that I have ever seen. Their need for love was so clear in their every action. Both of them came to say goodbye on our last day of clinic and my heart could have exploded with the love and sadness I felt as I embraced each child as they clung to me. It makes me sad but determined when I think about what they have to go back to.

I pray that in times when they feel they have no hope they can remember the week we spent together and know that there is. I pray they could know the difference they have made in our lives and how I wish I could take all of their burdens as my own. Mostly I pray that one day they are able to realize that they have a heavenly father who can and is willing to do just that.

Saying goodbye to Gabriel and Karla

Monday I got to go see an Amos Lee concert that was one of the best experiences I’ve had in a long time!

Tuesday was my ever amazing small group. Only God could have put together something like it! All of the girls are so open, so encouraging and challenge each other! We are all going the same direction in our walk with God and I am SO honored that God would use me as an administrator of sorts for the group. These girls never cease to amaze me and I am sad that we won’t be having group next week!

Wednesday was first Wednesday and there is nothing like it! It wasn’t praise and worship the whole time but a pastor taught us how to praise God mentally, emotionally and physically. Very cool! Plus I got to sit with some people from my mission trip!

Tonight is dinner with my baby and my parents! Should be a good time! Also finishing packing! I will have all of the right stuff this time instead of mostly the wrong stuff!

Then tomorrow I leave for my mission trip to Managua, Nicaragua! I am beyond stoked! I can’t wait but I still don’t feel like it is tomorrow! And not only do we get to see Nathan and Amber again but I am going with two of the most wonderful people I know, Bill and Rheagan! So on that note, adios! Pasa bien, fin de semana! (My spanish isn’t great, I apologize!)

We were probably about 5 feet away from Amos and got to savor every head bob and eye contact made while enjoying the harmonious melody of his soothing-to-the-soul music. He was on stage for 2 hours and I would have skipped my whole night’s sleep if given the opportunity to listen to and watch him perform all night! (A big statement for someone who LOVES their sleep!)

Favorite things about the night:

• Getting to hang out with Rheagan! That’s always a great time!
• One song that had lyrics stand out to me more than usual was Shout Out Loud. Because I’m big on people watching, I think the same thoughts that he writes about in this song. It’s always a cool feeling to connect with one of your favorite artists on that level!
• This was literally the first concert I’ve ever been to that I didn’t want it to end sooner than it did!
• Amos’ humbleness exuded from him in everything he did and said!
• Every one of his songs is amazing and sounded even better in person than on CD (I didn’t think that was possible!)
• My Malibu and Pineapple was very good
• EVERYTHING! The whole night was just amazing! I will definitely be going to see him again.

I want to punch a few people.

Bill and I at IHOP at 2 AM in the morning!

Bill and I finally made it to IHOP at 2 in the morning! We have been planning to do this ever since it became a 24 hour restaurant! So we (I) finally sucked it up and stayed up SUPER late! It was definitely busier than we were expecting and there was quite a lot to see… like the drunk/almost passing out “Boyz 2 Men” as Bill called them. They were my favorite There was also a girl next to us who had lost some sort of “competition” and was trying to decide whether or not to become a stripper. The only loud table was a group of drunk high schoolers. The one that was most odd to me was the older couple maybe in their 60′s who were sitting there talking and eating like it was 10 in the morning. How do they do it! All in all a great experience, although I did get a little cranky when Bill woke me up during the pre-IHOP movie