Jehovah-Shalom

I am blessed beyond belief. I don’t deserve it. I don’t quite understand it. But I always want to remember it. Philippians 4:7

You just say, “It’s okay.”

I’m sitting here at midnight knowing that I should be getting to bed. I’ve spent the last few hours looking for some kind of solace. Some kind of answers. Looking for a breakthrough. I want to feel at peace. I want to sleep well again. I want to go more than one night without my bed shaking. I don’t want to get sick to my stomach every time I think about going to sleep. I want the heaviness gone.

I’ve tried everything I can think of. I give up. Maybe that’s what you want, God? I know what I want. But what I want more than anything is for Your will to be done. More than anything I could ever want on this earth, I want to serve you. If you want this all to continue for every day of my life, I am okay with that. Life serving you isn’t supposed to be comfortable. The devil only attacks people who are dangerous for the kingdom of God. I can handle anything with You, except for feeling far from you. Please take away whatever is preventing me from feeling close to you. I need your strength, especially now. My whole life completely changed in the last two weeks and I don’t have the strength for that on my own. Please be my Jehovah-Jireh. My El Shalom. Please calm my restless soul. If it is at all possible, take this cup from me. Not mine but your will be done.

What’s In a Name

The day after we got to Nicaragua, we had a half day of clinic at the Christian Academy of Las Torres. There were too many people in pharmacy so I spent most of the day playing with the kids, especially one little 10 year-old girl. Her and her mom had come and found me after seeing my name tag. In our broken communication we were able to discover that we shared the name of Tiffany. This gave us an instant bond that I still feel even back in the states. She loved taking pictures and was very good at it. She would then come to show me and wait for my one spanish phrase of encouragement, “Muy bueno!” I meant it every time.

Many pictures, games and shared giggles later, the time to say adios had come. As Tiffany from Nicaragua and Tiffany from America stood there side by side, there was an unspoken decision made to wait until the last minute to say goodbye. Before that time came, I looked down at her standing with my arm draped around her shoulder, and simply said in my minimal spanish vocabulary, “Tu eres muy bonita.” She looked at me shyly and just as simply whispered “Tu tambien.” It was one of the first things we understand all day and I’m fairly sure it was the most important. I left that day feeling like I had found a decade younger, Nicaraguan version of myself. A version that left me feeling a little more complete in my journey to self-acceptance in Christ.

**Now I have the pleasure of sponsoring Tiffany and I am so excited to have that relationship with her that can continue grow. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I will be back to see her.

 

Looking at pictures with Tiffany and Ashley

 

One of us missed the memo, haha

Favorites from Nicaragua

 

The children waiting for us to come back outside

They wanted me to take a picture of them

 

Beautiful

 

Always waiting for us when we were away

Gorgeous Nicaraguan Flower

 

Precious

A week, a life, in review

It is now five days since getting back from Nicaragua and once again tears of remembrance are streaming down my face. I miss the people on my team, I miss the missionaries/friends we worked alongside, I miss the church we worked with, I miss the people we met, and I miss beautiful Managua, Nicaragua. It will always be amazing to me how the second poorest country in the western hemisphere has the most giving, serving people I have ever met.

Here is how the week progressed…

The night after we arrived to Nicaragua, we did one day of clinic at the Christian Academy of Los Torres. That was our first taste of the love the Nicaraguan children so desperately needed and were so willing to give. The next day was one of group bonding and setting up clinic for the next week. Monday rolled around quickly as we nervously and excitedly boarded a bus for a week of the unknown at Iglesia de Nuevo Jerusalem. The next 5 days were ones in which we were served where we came to serve, loved before we even had a chance to give love and were welcomed as part of the Nicaraguan family but more importantly, the church family. 17 Gringos and a countless number of Nicas laughed, cried, loved, served and grew together in a week that was nothing less than unbelievable.

People keep asking me what the highlight of my trip was. As I silently sit there desperately seeking the answer that they are looking for, at least 50 memories come rushing at me. As I try to think of one “highlight” that could possibly be taken out and put above the rest, I come to only one conclusion: it’s not at all possible. The whole week is one that will forever be highlighted in my memory.

The biggest blessing I received while in Nicaragua was the ability to work with the kids. I felt an unfathomable bond to them and I am already struggling just to hold on the feeling of them in my arms as we said goodbye. I have always loved kids but have never felt the way about them that I did about these precious Nicaraguan children. With nothing, they came to us, except for a smile that reaches their eyes, arms ready for a long embrace and boundless love to give. Our team learned the valuable lesson that the language barrier can’t keep us from expressing what’s really important. Like my teammate Britt said, “I soon started to realize that actions really do speak louder than words, and although I do not know much about their likes and dislikes, I can feel their heart and I hope they can feel mine beating through our sweaty, clutched hands.”

One more thing I want to share before I let you go. Pastor Uriel prayed a prayer on the first day of clinic in which he said that our God is not an unfair God and that He sends those who can help, to His people who cannot help themselves. It finally hit me when rereading what he had said; we have people who have and people who don’t have… but if the people who have would obey God and take care of those who don’t, NO ONE would be in need! And people try to ask us how we serve such an unfair God… man, if we only REALLY got it. (Thanks, Britt, for blogging about that!)